Tuesday, February 24, 2009

the best you could hope to be

i'm really not in the proper frame of mind to write this post, because i'm kind of upbeat and hyper right now and a lot of shit has gone down this week.

on a completely unrelated note:

you know how there are some subjects you just never think about until somebody brings them up. because, as a general rule, you don't sit around wondering if your parents ever feel underappreciated (or whatever), unless it's mothers day or something like that and then you're obligated. anyhow, when someone does bring up the subject, it's like an obnoxious gnat determined to investigate the black hole that is your ear and won't shut up or die. because gnats are too tiny to kill, the bitches. and then, with that subject gnat bugging you, you feel guilty. 

which is annoying.

okay, i'm in the right frame of mind now.

so, we all know the end of the j&k saga... they're done, over, toast, kaput, yada yada, and we're all acting like retarded idiots, yada yada (except jade... aka the only sane one, who isn't technically ONE, but hey)...

jake and i have been hanging out a lot lately. which is really cutting into my time with alan. i wish cambria wasn't with christian so the three of us could be together again and she could listen to him whine while i watch how i met your mother or whatever. but if she and christian broke up, i'd be stuck with two whiny bitches instead of one. i don't know who kira is whining to, but it's not me, which is good, because i'm sick of being in the middle.

so... uh... well, last night, jake and i went out on the hill and hung out for a while there. and we almost wound up kissing several times. the first time, i sort of freaked and was like, "holy shit, this grass is cold" ... even though i'd been sitting on it for the past couple of hours. stupid, roxy, stupid... the second time was my doing (brain spasm, like well, i screwed it up the first time, maybe the second time will work) and he's like, "wow, your eyes kind of look like kira's... oh, shit... i mean, ah, wow. how's that story coming?" 

(i had to write a story for lit class... long story short, i suck at writing, like, majorly. i got jade to help me by bribing her with jelly beans. i know her achilles heel. ;) )

third time i'm not sure who started it, but then i was like, "oh, hey, you know, i never gave you your notebook back" and he's like, "oh, yeah, right. i need that"... the fourth time, well, i kind of grabbed him and kissed him on the cheek (yeah, i know, i know) and basically walked home without saying anything.

i even cried a little, although i'm not really sure why.

my mother met me at the back door as i was coming in and she's all, "have a nice time with jake? it's good that you two are hanging out again"... and i just said, "yeah, sure, mom" and went upstairs. it's just too depressing. and all i really wanted to do was sleep.

today was okay. i thought it was going to be awkward or something, but apparently debate team (which jake is on) had to have an emergency meeting and jake wasn't at lunch or anything, and everything else was pretty standard.

i'm still wondering if kira is/was pregnant.

and i didn't know i was such a... chicken. or a prude, i guess. really. it's embarrassing. but... i don't know. i'm kind of... naive, in a way, that i want everything to stay like it was a few years ago. or even before 2008. gah.

but i don't want to be the rebound girl. i don't think jake's like that, exactly, but you never know what people will do... and i mean, i don't want to ruin our friendship, or anything.

i'm not sure how i feel about the whole friends with benefits thing, either. especially with him fresh off a breakup.


i guess it means something that i'm the one he's coming to to whine about the breakup. maybe.


btw: it was fun talking to you tonight. you know who you are. :)

5 lovers & haters:

*jemima* said...


It's just to let you know I've given you a blogging award :)


Alayna Whisper said...

Bahaha, nice tag. XD

Anywho, glad you updated. I was afraid you fell of the side of the planet or something. lol...

N a t a l i e. said...

Argh, I hate when you think of a subject and you just can't get it out of your mind. I always end up thinking about death when I'm trying to fall asleep... which doesn't help me fall asleep as you can probably imagine :P

Urgh.. I don't know all the history between the Jake thing, but it sounds really complicated. Best of luck!

cady x said...

Well, at least Jake's not a Chris. Long story.

Dude. I want jelly beans. You are the most unfair person I've ever met! Just kidding.

lucky. said...

ahhh I hope you figure things out with Jake.