Sunday, October 12, 2008

the word on the street is i lost it

can't sleep.

god, how utterly boring am i? all i talk about anymore is j/k/c/c. me, the lonely fifth wheel.

i seriously need to get a life.

i guess i still like jake after all. but i can't tell him. i'm not a homewrecker (with a heart of gold or otherwise).

i do think that this whole pda-thing is probably kira's fault. because jake's had girlfriends before that he didn't do this with.

or maybe i'm just too..... i don't know. puritanical isn't the right word. and i'm not a prude. i'm just......

i guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

half of me says i have a right to feel sorry for myself. the other half says i should get the fuck over it.

and they're both right, which sucks.

the only good things i can think about right now are the fact that my gpa is pretty solid and my hair looks really good.

and alan and jade are my friends. (dammit. i'm all sad again. i can't think of the word FRIENDS without thinking of cambria & jake, and how we're rapidly growing apart.)

just ..... i mean, you can't just replace people. my mom asked me yesterday if i was dating alan, and i said no (but i wouldn't be above it if he'd ask me out), and then she asked me if "he's the new jake" ..... which i vehemently denied......

although i guess he is, kinda sorta, even though he's not.

like, at all.

or something.

i just need to get my mind off myself. i told my mom that today. she said i could volunteer at cambria's church's soup kitchen if i wanted to. i might. it's a good thing to do, and besides, doesn't that look good on college applications? and there i go being selfish again. that one was just wrong though.

oh yeah. dad & mom made us all go to cambria's church again today. i don't know if we're going to join or what. i've been avoiding the youth group thing in the morning as much as i can (and getting away with it, because cambria's too into her boyfriend to notice) and spacing out during the sermon, because the pastor is boring and i can't understand his sermons anyway, and besides, he frequently breaks out into song. let me tell you, god did not gift that man with a singing voice. and all the singers suck for the most part and the music is boring. if we have to go to church, can't we go to that other one with the interesting pastor and the GOOD music? like, modern stuff?

i think we're only attending this particular church because of cambria's family. sheesh. although in all the years we've known them, we've never gone, so what's with attending now?

i guess my parents are getting religious in their old age. although they're not that old. in their 40s.

whatever. just so long as they don't expect me to actually start taking sermon notes or whatever. i've seen people do that. i can't, for the life of me, understand why. i mean, even reading the bible is more interesting than listening to him talk. at least the bible tells good stories. even in the king james version or whatever it's called, with all those thous and thees and shalls and arts in there.

ah well. i think i might try that volunteering thing. i hope i don't have to pray for anyone or anything. because my total knowledge of prayer goes about as far as "god is great, god is good, now we thank you for this food" and "now i lay me down to sleep" and "god, please get me out of this mess and i swear i will never ever ever do (fill in the blank) again" ..... and i'm sure that those prayers aren't exactly going to help anyone. they probably don't even help ME. not that i even pray them except for that last one. i prayed the sleep one when i was a kid when i was at my grandparents' house (because they insisted on it) and the food one at camp (again, because they insisted on it) and the last one when i'm in a really bad fix. god probably doesn't like that very much.

i think my problem is that i borrow trouble, and i'm too fixated on the little things.

all they'll probably have me do is ladle soup in people's bowls or something.

and hey. i'd much rather do that than sit through that pastor's hideously boring sermons. at least volunteering does some actual GOOD in the world.


6 lovers & haters:

Anonymous said...

*Hug* If you're looking for a sign to do something: do it.

Alexis101 said...

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aivilo relluf said...

Thanks, I like yours too :).
I hope your issues with your friends get better. And yay for volunteering, it's always good to give back to the community :P. Honestly, I don't blame you for being bored with the seromons, I always was back in the day when I attended church. Needless to say, I no longer go, but hey, that's just me.

Cady said...

I feel that whole church thing. We have a bunch of churches like that around here. I've been avoiding them as much as I can. ;)

Anonymous said...

Awww Rox. I'm sorry.

Jocelyn said...

religion is so hard... but honestly if you find a good one it's amazing! I think you should volunteer! Oh and I'm jocelyn. I randomly blog surf when I am bored and I am on break for college so i thought i'd comment on peoples blogs! anyway, i hope you get everything figured out, and i'm sorry you're the fifth wheel! that's never fun haha