Thursday, October 30, 2008

hey, it's not over now

me, roxy.



for halloween i'm borrowing my mother's clothes and stuff to make myself look older than i am, and i'm taking robby & mandy trick-or-treating. which i'm actually excited about, because i'm going to tell everyone they're my children and see who i fool.

probably no one.

oh well.

today i told everyone i don't feel like going to the halloween party tomorrow. which is true. i feel like being lonely and feeling sorry for myself. except i don't really feel sorry for myself. today i woke up and i was completely okay with myself and my life, fucked up and shitty as it is and I am. acceptance is the final step, as they say. or is that what they say? i have no idea. whatever. the point is, i'm cool with everything exactly as it is now.

i'm also going to borrow cambria's blond wig from two halloweens ago, since my mom is blond and i can't pass for her without blond hair, since mine is black/blond/pink.

alan gave me a sympathy hug, like aww, roxy, you poor devil, you.


so, thanks everyone who gave me costume ideas (even though i didn't use any of them . . . HA!) and commented, and i hope you all have a wickedly awesome halloween.

and maybe an epiphany or two.

but a wicked halloween all the way around.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

little creepy girl with her little creepy face

so i've had 30 posts since my debut in july (oy.... i had no idea i'd written that many....) and they've all been commented save one! (pink hair makes you invincible.... you can go leave me comments on that if you wish. just so it's not left out in the cold. ;])


halloween is coming!

one of my all time favorite holidays. i know, i'm 17 and i'm too old to trick or treat, but last year i went (with mandy & robby.... i also went to some halloween parties with my friends)..... i feel like going this year, although i really don't want to take my siblings. (for one, mandy is going to be hannah montana. really. robby's not sure yet. he's thinking about being a ninja or a pirate. so cliched, both of them.) and i need to pick a costume. last year i was corpse bride. haha. i'm really not sure what i want to be this year. i was thinking about maybe being a gothic doll (i love those dolls!!) or something retro and 60s-ish ....... ahh, i don't know.

cam&chris are going to be bella & edward, you know, from twilight.

so. annoying.

jake is also going to be a vampire, but he's going the goth route, sort of like gerard way (which will be awesome because he still has gerard hair). kira's going to be helena, like in the mcr video helena. (which will be weird, because the girl in that video is so skinny, and kira's gained around 15 pounds in the past month or so. oh god. i hope she isn't pregnant. i literally just thought of that. great. now i'm going to be all freaked over that. and i also can't see kira as being, you know, goth and dead. she's too........ lively.)

and then me.... again.


alan's going to be kurt cobain. two of his other friends are going to be krist novoselic and dave grohl. that's going to be cool. alan suggested that if i wanted to be "matchy" like c&c and j&k, i could be courtney love or something......

which i am vaguely tempted to do....

but i don't want to go the whole matchy route.

sort of.

it's probably because i don't want to be courtney love.

ah i don't know.

or i could go really cliched and be a witch. all i would have to do is get the pointy hat. i have this really cool black cape that i could wear over ........ something black, i guess.


and i don't wear slutty costumes as a matter of principle.

i like some of the costumes hot topic has. the black angel one is cool.

or..... i could be avril lavigne, with my pink hair and all.


i'll think of something.


that's basically the only important thing....

except jake & cambria don't really seem to notice that i'm hanging out with them less and hanging out with alan & jade more.

ah well.

stuff changes.....

i like change as long as it doesn't change anything, if you know what i mean.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

i've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match

so i downloaded "what a catch, donnie" today.

it is one of the saddest songs i've ever heard. i mean, it actually made me cry.

miss flack said "i still want you back"
i've got troubled thoughts
and the self-esteem to match
what a catch



so i got this assignment in writing class today...... i have to write a (short) romantic story.

now, i suck at writing stories to begin with (mostly because i can't describe things very well), and romantic stories are even worse.

like, i can't write about sexual stuff like some people can..... it's just unnatural for me.

i mean, a normal kissing scene is fairly descriptive.

a kissing scen written by me contains only a few words.


they kissed.
he kissed her.
she kissed him.

the end.

i mean, geez. what else do you want me to say?

cambria is so good at this stuff. i'm not sure why. i'm jealous.

like, i can't even write DIALOGUE. it comes off like a conversation between nervous people who hate each other or something.

like...... i don't know. it's just weird for me. i can't do it.

but i'll give it the old college try, as they say.

once upon a time there lived a boy and a girl. they lived in the same town and attended the same school. one day they decided to go out. so they decided they really liked dating and became boyfriend and girlfriend and made out in public all the time. they got married after they graduated and had seven children and lived happily ever after. the end.

alternate ending:
one day the girl caught the boy making out with another girl so she broke up with him and went home and slit her wrists and died. the boy married the other girl and lived happily ever after. the end.

there are more possible alternate endings.

but the point is, the story fucking sucks.

i hate writing.

it's not that i can't come up with a basic story EXACTLY. (although i admittedly took some parts of that story from my real life. if you've been a reader of mine for a while you know what i mean.) it's that i can't turn a stick figure into a portrait, if you catch my drift. like, i can't take that basic story (if i were to use it, which i'm not going to) and add pizzazz to it. (it's 1000ish words. oh, and it's due monday.)


i wonder why my hands are so cold. i mean, my laptop is hot.

but yeah..... those are the only important things that happened today.

and erik and i have been texting again. i can't tell if he and joolz are broken up or not. he's being very vague (deliberately, i bet).

i wish i cared. but i don't.

this is what comes of feeling so sorry for yourself.

and i talked to cambria about volunteering. she says all i have to do is show up about an hour before their doors are supposed to open and i'm golden.

oh yeah. and we have officially joined cambria's church.

i think i might go hang myself.

if my parents HAD to get religious, why couldn't they have gotten a more.... i don't know. MODERN religion? it's just so blah.

maybe if i volunteer my parents will let me out of church. i would fully love that.

i mean, god understands. he knows that the sermons aren't doing me any good anyway. or anyone else, for that matter.

i sound like i'm trying to rationalize this away.

and i'm going to end this post before i write something genuinely insane.


Sunday, October 12, 2008

the word on the street is i lost it

can't sleep.

god, how utterly boring am i? all i talk about anymore is j/k/c/c. me, the lonely fifth wheel.

i seriously need to get a life.

i guess i still like jake after all. but i can't tell him. i'm not a homewrecker (with a heart of gold or otherwise).

i do think that this whole pda-thing is probably kira's fault. because jake's had girlfriends before that he didn't do this with.

or maybe i'm just too..... i don't know. puritanical isn't the right word. and i'm not a prude. i'm just......

i guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

half of me says i have a right to feel sorry for myself. the other half says i should get the fuck over it.

and they're both right, which sucks.

the only good things i can think about right now are the fact that my gpa is pretty solid and my hair looks really good.

and alan and jade are my friends. (dammit. i'm all sad again. i can't think of the word FRIENDS without thinking of cambria & jake, and how we're rapidly growing apart.)

just ..... i mean, you can't just replace people. my mom asked me yesterday if i was dating alan, and i said no (but i wouldn't be above it if he'd ask me out), and then she asked me if "he's the new jake" ..... which i vehemently denied......

although i guess he is, kinda sorta, even though he's not.

like, at all.

or something.

i just need to get my mind off myself. i told my mom that today. she said i could volunteer at cambria's church's soup kitchen if i wanted to. i might. it's a good thing to do, and besides, doesn't that look good on college applications? and there i go being selfish again. that one was just wrong though.

oh yeah. dad & mom made us all go to cambria's church again today. i don't know if we're going to join or what. i've been avoiding the youth group thing in the morning as much as i can (and getting away with it, because cambria's too into her boyfriend to notice) and spacing out during the sermon, because the pastor is boring and i can't understand his sermons anyway, and besides, he frequently breaks out into song. let me tell you, god did not gift that man with a singing voice. and all the singers suck for the most part and the music is boring. if we have to go to church, can't we go to that other one with the interesting pastor and the GOOD music? like, modern stuff?

i think we're only attending this particular church because of cambria's family. sheesh. although in all the years we've known them, we've never gone, so what's with attending now?

i guess my parents are getting religious in their old age. although they're not that old. in their 40s.

whatever. just so long as they don't expect me to actually start taking sermon notes or whatever. i've seen people do that. i can't, for the life of me, understand why. i mean, even reading the bible is more interesting than listening to him talk. at least the bible tells good stories. even in the king james version or whatever it's called, with all those thous and thees and shalls and arts in there.

ah well. i think i might try that volunteering thing. i hope i don't have to pray for anyone or anything. because my total knowledge of prayer goes about as far as "god is great, god is good, now we thank you for this food" and "now i lay me down to sleep" and "god, please get me out of this mess and i swear i will never ever ever do (fill in the blank) again" ..... and i'm sure that those prayers aren't exactly going to help anyone. they probably don't even help ME. not that i even pray them except for that last one. i prayed the sleep one when i was a kid when i was at my grandparents' house (because they insisted on it) and the food one at camp (again, because they insisted on it) and the last one when i'm in a really bad fix. god probably doesn't like that very much.

i think my problem is that i borrow trouble, and i'm too fixated on the little things.

all they'll probably have me do is ladle soup in people's bowls or something.

and hey. i'd much rather do that than sit through that pastor's hideously boring sermons. at least volunteering does some actual GOOD in the world.


Thursday, October 9, 2008

More thoughtfood. :)

so i took skippy's advice that my friend who wrote the amazing essay (is it an essay? something like that, anyway) should have a blog.

so i made her one. shizam.

and she posted twice already -is excited- so if you want to, go check it out.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008


the thing is, you can't be so stuck up that you think you're not going to mess up. shit happens. that's life. and a lot of the problems you have, you made yourself. you can't rely on someone else to fix it for you, either. you have to suck it up and tell yourself that you're not going to do that again. you have to realize that people aren't going to like you, they won't understand, and they will probably assume the worst about you, your motives, and your actions. sometimes you'll cry. even if you think tears are weak. sometimes you'll weep hysterically and won't be able to stop no matter who tells you to or how much you berate yourself. eventually, you'll realize that everyone who ever hurt you was insecure. and we all hurt each other. we are all insecure no matter how much we think we're not. you'll wake up one day and realize that you've moved on. sure, you might still be bitter. but you will realize that you are the only one who has the power to mess up your life. being different isn't all it's cracked up to be. sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and rebellion and do as you're told. you will forget things. important, major things. minor things that no one will ever see. intentionally or without meaning to. you will disregard the minor things only to realize in two days or twenty years that those were actually the most important things. sometimes you have to swallow your pride and ask for help. some people will never forgive you. the people you hurt the most will either be the people that you love the most, or that love you the most, or both. writing is good therapy. nothing is unimportant. no one is unimportant. remember that everyone basically feels the same way you do. the golden rule is not cliched advice. it is fact. you will eventually realize that there is a god, and you will talk to him or her, and at other times you will be so ashamed you can't even look skyward. you are selfish. it is the fundamental human flaw. every sin ever committed has been because of selfishness. you will be rejected. you will be lonely. you will be hurt. you will despair for your life. if you hang on for just a few more hours, you will still be miserable, yet happy to be alive. air is a beautiful thing. vital. it is okay to be a face in the crowd. sometimes it's the best place to be. the grass is not greener in someone else's yard. you're just seeing it from a nice angle. remember that though you see all your yard's faults, someone is wishing that they had your yard. you are highly flawed. if you doubt this, it is proof of your disability because you are also blind. don't apologize unless you mean it. don't break people's trust. it doesn't matter if you like them or not. be nice. don't snub. don't lie. honesty is not always the best policy, though. cultivate a good reputation. do not damage it. realize that you will damage it and some people may never forgive you. take a quick break to remember where you came from and then get back to where you're going. you can't walk looking through binoculars. eventually, you'll realize that, ultimately, no one will be there for you, you will die alone, you cannot trust them, and if you want something done you will have to do it yourself.

note: i did not write this. i came across it when my friend dropped her notebook in the hall and this fell out. she wasn't even mad that i read it, and she gave me permission to reprint this in my blog. i think it's quite impressive, personally. can you believe she's only sixteen? geez.